From the Inner Workings of Lovino Vargas
by bittersweet02
Summary: Lovino Vargas has always been second best, unwanted, unloved, and misunderstood. He just can't take it anymore, so why not just ramble to get it out? Crappy summary shall be crappy. Rated T for suicidal themes.
1. Chapter 1

All of my life Feliciano has been better. I was always known as the bad-mouthed older brother, and nobody liked me. Ever since Feli came along when I was two years old, I've been ignored in favor of him. It wasn't always like this, once upon a time I was always smiling and always in a good mood. But when Feli was born, he took the spotlight and I've grown bitter. Don't get me wrong, I love Feliciano, but so does everybody else, too much at that. I'm only trying to help him when I act protective!

Not to mention Grandpa chose him over me too. When we were younger and he had two tickets to go back to our home town in Italy because of business (he's an architect), he could only choose one of us to go. Of course, he didn't hesitate in picking Feliciano. I expected him to anyways, but it would have made me feel better if he had hesitated about it. But of course he didn't. Because it's Feli everyone likes more.

When I was seventeen, I had a close friend who I had feelings for. She was beautiful and always happy, yet I couldn't tell her how I felt. When I finally built up the courage to tell her, right before I could she told me she just started dating my brother and she was so happy. That's one of my worst memories, but of course I gave her a watery smile and told her I was happy for her.

Do you want to know the sad thing? You probably don't, but I'll tell you anyways. This is the first of no less than five times this has happened.

All because I'm unlikeable and unlovable.

So I tried not to fall in love anymore because it would only help fuel the fire further in my mind. I admit, I've thought about offing myself before. Do you want to know why I haven't?

Because I don't want to upset Feliciano.

Grandpa wouldn't care. That girl wouldn't care. Gilbert and Francis wouldn't care. And I seriously doubt Antonio would care no matter how much I care about him. But Feli is weak and can't stand on his own.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you an important fact. This fact is one of the stupidest things I've done but I can't do anything about it.

Nothing at all.

Have you guessed already? If you haven't, you're a complete idiot. Have you seen the theme throughout this entire rant? I'll give you a hint.

Love.

I've fallen in love and there's nothing I can do to help it.

I've done everything I can. I've tried ignoring him (yes it's a him). I've tried falling in love with someone else. But nope. Not going to happen I guess.

Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo has stolen my heart and I can't get it back no matter how hard I've tried to.

And he acts so much like the girl I loved before, yet he has his own flare. Her eyes were a dark forest green while Antonio's eyes are like new emeralds. Her hair was almost black and she had sun kissed skin, but he has dark chocolate hair and honey colored skin. They are both absolutely stunning, but Antonio has a certain air about him. A certain…charming factor that she didn't have.

But of course, my love will stay unrequited. If I tell him, he'll just choose Feliciano instead of me like everybody else has and will. I can try to be as nice as I can, I can go to extreme lengths to be considered handsome, I can even spend all of the money I have trying to impress others. But of course, that wouldn't work would it? No.

Because I am useless.

Because I am rude.

Because I am unneeded.

Because I am not wanted.

Because I am second best.

Because Feliciano exists.

So no, I do not want to do everything I can to prove my worth (no matter how little I have). I will silently bide my time alone instead of going through the pain of being unwanted. I don't care anymore, I really don't. I am twenty years old now and my younger brother is eighteen, so he doesn't need me anymore. Now I have no legitimate reason for me existing other than my selfish desire to be with Antonio even though it's obviously not reciprocated and it never will be.

Should I just give up? The only friends I have now are my tomato plants and my cat Romano. What am I actually living for?

Should I even be here?

Was I even meant to be born?

No, I guess not. I really doubt anyone would care.

So I leave you with this, my last thoughts of my useless life. I've done everything I can, but yet in the end, none of it even mattered. I wonder how long it will take someone to find me? Will it take a day? A month? A year? Hopefully I doesn't take too long, I don't want the apartment downstairs to complain about my apartment reeking, but I won't have to deal with that anymore will I?

Arrivaderci,

Lovino Vargas


	2. Chapter 2

Lovino laid the note down on his dresser. He'd gotten everything ready for this moment even going as far as telling Feliciano to go to his "friend" Ludwig's house. Of course, Lovino knew that Ludwig and Feliciano were in a secret relationship (not to mention that Lovino hated him), but if Feli was there he wouldn't be coming home for at _least_ two days. He'd also taken caution in how he was going to die. After doing a quick research, he found out that most commit suicide by gun and it was the least painful way. Hopefully he wouldn't leave too much of a mess.

Lovino was in charge of paying rent out of the two and Feliciano paying for utilities, so yesterday he took the time to pay of rent for the next few months in case Feliciano needed a better job in order to pay it. Of course, they still had their grandfather's inheritance seeing as he died a few years ago, but Lovino wanted Feli to save his and he gave Feliciano his own for when Feliciano starts college. With the way this was going, it will probably be a quick death and nobody would really notice for a while. As said before, Feliciano is with Ludwig which will keep them both busy, Antonio is in Spain visiting family and not getting back until at least tomorrow, Gilbert and Francis are probably busy with…other things, and his neighbors (a gay couple named Alfred and Arthur) are most likely visiting their son Peter who lives with a cute couple from the Nordics.

"Everything is going to plan." Lovino muttered to himself.

Antonio was so happy! Okay, so he's always happy, but he's even happier now! The plane he was boarding to go home tomorrow to his little Lovi got rescheduled, so he ended up taking an earlier plane. 'Lovino has been really distant lately' Antonio thought to himself 'I hope he's okay'. For the longest time Antonio has been worried about Lovino. He may be oblivious, but when something's up with his Lovi he would be the first one to know.

Lately, his little Lovi hasn't been going to class and he's also been trying to ignore Antonio. I mean, he _usually_ ignored Antonio, but not in this sense. Antonio was only ignored when he was trying to hug him and such, and soon after he was hit or pushed off of Lovi. Lovino had always been an angry person (as far as Antonio knew), but he didn't seem angry lately. He seemed…sad. Lovino was sad all of the time now.

For the longest time Antonio has loved him. Actually, when he finally got home he was going to tell him. The plane finally started to land and Antonio got off. He could finally tell his Lovi!

It was about to happen. He was about to do it. 'It's now or never' he thought. He grabbed the pistol and brought it up to his temple. Tears were splashing down his once tanned cheeks. His finger was twitching but not quite pulling the trigger.

'Do I really want to do this?'

' _Yes. You've already wasted enough people's time. Just do it already.'_

'But what about Feliciano? Antonio?'

' _They never needed you anyway. You are unneeded. Remember?'_

'I….I….you're right… They won't care.'

' _So do it wimp.'_

'Okay. I will.'

His finger tapped on the trigger, about to pull it, when Antonio banged the door open. Fear struck him and he stopped, looking at the pitiful picture standing before him. Antonio immediately bolted over and shoved Lovino against the wall.

"What the _**Hell**_ do you think you are doing Lovino?!" He demanded. Lovino paled and couldn't answer. His tongue was tied.

"I-I-I…"

"You what? Decided to murder a perfectly good human being? Decided to leave your brother and me all alone? Decided to do the stupidest thing a human being can do? Is that what you did?"

Antonio's eyes began to glaze over with pain and sadness. "You idiot, don't you know how much I love you? How much I've done for you? How much I've cared for you and nurtured you to my best ability? I'm not an idiot you know. I noticed it long before that you loved me, yet I'm supposed to be the stupid oblivious one. What would your brother say if he found you? You and I both know he doesn't deserve that." Antonio let go of his shirt. "I swear to God if I hadn't got here in time…" he trailed off.

Lovino dropped the gun and hugged Antonio. For the first time in years he bawled his eyes out and didn't hide it. "I'm unwanted." He muttered.

"I'm unwanted, I'm unneeded, I'm a loudmouth, and I'm useless. Why did you even save me, you're supposed to get rid of the garbage Antonio, not fall in "love" with it." Lovino whispered in to the Spaniard's shirt. "Everybody likes Feliciano more. Grandpa, you, Ludwig, Gilbert, Francis, everybody. My life is pointless because I'm only the foul-mouthed older brother. Unlovable."

Antonio's eyes were wide in shock. Did his little Lovi really think that? How was he holding in all of this pain and hatred without anyone knowing except for him?

"Just look at the note."

Antonio looked over to the dresser, and sure enough, there was a note neatly folded on it looking deadly and solemn.

Antonio read the note aloud. He was seriously scared. Is this actually what Lovino thought? Why didn't he talk to him? Didn't Lovino think he could trust him?

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Antonio choked out.

Lovino looked up and said "Because you wouldn't care."

He didn't look Antonio in the eye. "Since when has anybody ever cared about me? Have I ever been picked over Feliciano? No. You know that I haven't. Yet, everybody ignores the fact that even though I act heartless, I actually _do_ have feelings and desires. You don't know how many times I've heard people talk about me behind my back. How many times I've heard people say that I should be more like my little brother. I'm sick of it! What is the point of me being here if nobody wants me?! _**I've been ignored and hated for my entire life and I'm sick of it!**_ " Lovino screamed out at Antonio.

"But Lovino," Antonio pulled Lovino close and looked him straight in the eyes. "Don't you know how loved you are? Sure, many people will come along saying things they don't mean, but if you actually believe them, you're the one who has lost the battle. I… I want to show you something." Antonio moved away and sat on the bed. He pulled up his shirt sleeve to show and muscly, tanned, arm. It was clear of any marks. So clear it looked like the skin was…fake. He wet his fingers with his mouth and began to rub the arm. Beneath what Lovino assumed to be makeup was dozens and dozens of light pink scars looking fairly old. "Two years ago, I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I was sad all of the time, I cut, and I always used to put on what I called a mask to cover up my sadness. The reason I'm so close to Francis and Gilbert now is because they found me about to kill myself. Their parents were visiting with mine for business, and they went to my room to hang out. When they went in there and saw me in the act, Gilbert slapped me across the face and Francis told my parents and they brought me to a doctor. I'm on antidepressants now, and I now what would have happened if they hadn't caught me. Lovino, I love you so much, please, please, please don't leave me mi amore."

"But how? You're always so happy and I'm…me."

"That's exactly why I love you mi amore." Antonio said. He pulled Lovino close and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. While Lovino's were sloppy and unexperienced at it, Antonio's lips were of the Heavens. Their kiss wasn't lustrous or needy, but it was full of longing and love. It was innocent and sweetness like candy (and just as addicting). "Te amo mi querido."

"Ti amo troppo, bastardo."


End file.
